Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
