I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
