You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
