rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
