She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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