Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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