she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
