Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
