I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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