She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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