if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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