I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Your shirt... Was in my pants
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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