Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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