All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
