I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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