So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
