This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
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I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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