and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
