shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
