You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
