i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
