Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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