i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
