I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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