Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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