I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
