oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
