Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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