It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
