So drunk its hurt
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
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You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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