I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
