saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
