If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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