That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
