fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
