I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
