you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There r osticjed everywhere
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
