I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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