I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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