A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So squirting runs in the family.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
