I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
