all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
