He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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