the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
well you can't waste a boner
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
