the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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