look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
