Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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