i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
