I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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