Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
