omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds