Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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