fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.