chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
