if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
