He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
