Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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