she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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