he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
