I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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